Since 7 Quick Takes is in hiatus because Jennifer Fulweiler is recovering from bilateral pulmonary embolisms and is either going to or has had a baby recently (Larry was a bit vague), and since 3 1/2 Time Out Tuesdays is on hiatus because 7 Quick Takes is on hiatus, AND because I don’t know of any internet linkups for Monday that don’t require pictures because my otherwise responsible husband managed to lose the camera cable in our wee apartment over a week ago so I can’t upload any… Here is Internet Void Monday. I know you all care oh so very much.
1. When Der Kinder is awake I don’t like diving into projects (chores) because he wants attention and caretaking all the time and I don’t want to be pulled in different directions. But then when he sleeps, 1. I don’t want to wake him up and 2. he might wake up at any time. That is why today, when Der Kinder has slept essentially since he woke up this morning, I have not dared get anything started, much less finished. ~sigh~ I would be so much more productive if I were someone else. Someone with gumption, and who does not have postpartum depression causing a severe lack of wanting to do anything besides mainline Dwija’s blog and wish I could take charge of my life the way she has hers.
2. I’m running out of places on the internet I can talk about certain people without them reading about themselves and getting upset. I originally made the policy of Total Anonymity on this blog because I wanted to be able to speak freely about whomever I wanted to, but then I put up those dang baby not-registry posts and let people whom I know in real life read them, so now they know this is me and where to find me. Not that I just want to whine about people all day long, but because sometimes I just want advice on how to handle a situation, or indeed just whine somewhere, get it all out of my system, and pretend that people are nodding along and patting my hand, so that the next time I encounter this person I don’t have I really want to complain about you but I can’t so I have it all bottled up and ready to come out in unfriendly passive-aggressive ways, or not come out at all and just cause me to have crying jags in the middle of nowhere which really upsets anyone else who happens to be around in the back of my head the whole time. I guess I could slink back to Livejournal but let’s face it, that place is a desert nowadays and I like having the feeling that somebody might actually be reading what I put on here. I’m sure the person I have in mind will never come back here again but I just don’t want to risk it. Yet. All right, fine. I’ll say it anyway. My [relationship redacted] is as sweet as pie and helps out in a pinch an awful lot, but we have very, VERY different ideas about baby stuff and by some things she does I don’t think she respects my position as mother. It bothers me. However what I think bothers me even more is the tension between being grovelingly grateful for most things and then there are other things for which I should be grateful too but since I actively don’t want them I don’t feel grateful, and that makes me feel like a miserable grasping utilitarian picky snob. And since it feels forbidden to bring up the subject with anyone because it makes me look like a terrible person, I can’t even ask for advice for how to prevent this problem in the future. It’s such a hydra.
3. Something I would very much like for my birthday is for one or more of my friends to come over and help me overhaul my clothes. By that I mean sit on the couch with Lucas while I try on everything I own and tell me that I really shouldn’t keep it anymore, or if it’s actually worth keeping. Then take pictures of all the combinations I can make with what I have left so I can remember outfit options later on. Finally after all that I want to sit down and come up with versatile pieces I can add to increase the wearability of things I already have. Finally – shopping! It’s a pretty intensive project but it’s basically free – just the gas for transportation – and I really, really, dearly want to do it but I will probably never get around to it myself plus the needing someone else to be an objective third party and take pictures.
4. Speaking of friends. I love my friends. Perhaps too much. Perhaps to the point where I’m afraid to ask them for things because then I’m a whiny burden and no one likes those and they will not want to be friends with me. Or maybe I ask them too much, all the time, and they tune it out. I wish people would visit more. Even the most rotten of chores seems like the easiest thing in the world when people visit. One of my friends said that’s a thing that goes along with being depressed, not wanting to do anything but the prospect of people makes things better, and something that depressed people need is company. At the New Year’s party when I opened up about some of my birth trauma I had friends who said the best thing in the world: that they would be there for me. I haven’t heard from them since, and yes I have reached out to them. I don’t need a shrink, I don’t need meds, I just need people. People make things better. This is proven anytime someone comes over or I go to see people elsewhere. Heck to a lesser extent the days gets better just when the Fardreamer comes home. It sounds like a crutch – I shouldn’t need to have someone supervise me in order to get things done. So I feel worse about myself; I feel incompetent, lazy, immature, irresponsible. I feel like I am the sole reason why this household is cluttered and dingy, the laundry is in several states of not put away, and the kitchen is slowly being conquered by tiny bugs. (GROSS! I know! I feel like a complete failure and I’m so ashamed of it. So, so ashamed.) Well, how about you try being depressed and lonely for a few months and see how productive you are, I say in bitter defense. It never makes me feel better. I just stare at my spoons instead.
Who are we kidding, it’s Monday and I feel bad enough already. I don’t want to get into anything else. No wonder people don’t read this blog. It’s the downest downer in town.
*Apparently it is NOT on hiatus. So much for trusting Larry. But seeing as it is not Friday, and I very much want to have happier things to talk about on Friday so this blog does not devolve into nothing but doom and gloom (I actually do have other things I want to write about, such as an article in Our Sunday Visitor which very much needs comment), I’ll post this now anyway.